The stages of relationship are circular, not linear. We tend to believe that all romantic partnerships follow a predictable path from the first meet-cute to euphoric infatuation, to a few minor challenges, and then to a blissful state of happily-ever-after.
It’s a common trope in film, TV, and music, and it always works out well for the protagonist. Love, in truth, is a never-ending road trip.
We shouldn’t assume that, since we’ve overcome difficulties in our relationship, we’ll be able to look back and say, “Well, that’s it!” We’ve arrived! It worked! Because after you pass this present obstacle, you will face yet another.
In other words, a relationship’s stages are more circular than linear. Wholehearted Love is the last stage of a relationship, yet even those who have made it there inevitably find themselves back at the beginning. But they will always return home.
This Love Cycles concept is based on my work as a couples therapist over the past three decades, during which I have observed and analyzed relationships at various phases.
There is just one cycle through these phases in every given relationship.
Instead of viewing these periods as a means to an end, think of them as the changing of the seasons.
Here, you’ll learn about the many ages of relationships and how to thrive in each one.
THE MERGE OR HONEYMOON
The “Merge” or “honeymoon” period is the initial phase of a relationship. All-consuming happiness at our partner’s presence and ravenous, passionate sex are hallmarks of the first flush of romance that typically overwhelms a couple shortly after they begin dating.
The Honeymoon Scene is the one everyone knows and loves. During this ephemeral period—which lasts around six months on average—everything seems fantastic, amusing, and seductive for no apparent reason. It’s not a cliche to say that euphoria comes from drugs.
Many people in the early stages of relationship believe they have met their “perfect match,” or someone who is so similar to them that they may have been made for one other. They always yearn to be with one another, and their boundaries tend to dissolve as a result. Both parts feel like they want to become one.
These feelings often overpower our ability to think clearly. According to studies, the brain undergoes biochemical changes during this first stage, producing a cocktail of chemicals including dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins that set off and sustain a state of infatuation.
When we feel this way about someone, we might easily get “addicted” to them and fail to see potential problems like incompatibility or warning signs.
We are busy conveying all these wonderful sentiments to our new companion as our brains create chemical compounds and hormones (dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, and so on) that make us feel joyful, happy, and energized as we fall in love. But this also makes it easier to miss warning signs and other incompatibilities at this point that, spoiler alert, turn out to be quite crucial later.
Take advantage of this time in your life, but try not to get dependent on the excitement. When this period finishes and the powerful sensations fade, they are often misunderstood as a sign of having lost interest in or desire for the relationship. Sometimes little is more, therefore it’s necessary to evaluate whether anything is genuinely wrong or whether it’s just the normal development of love and devotion.
Take full advantage of this phase; it contains all the promise and intrigue that make dating worthwhile. Be mindful of your heightened emotions at the same time. Consider whether this individual is the greatest fit for you by taking a step back and observing your feelings and the connection.
While under the influence of this biological love potion, it’s important to have the honest opinion of trusted people who can help you avoid missing any serious warning signs.
Don’t rush into anything major, since the Merge may cloud your judgment and make you want to engage in activities that aren’t necessarily beneficial to your well-being.
Making decisions because you’re “so in love” is a bad idea because love is fleeting.
DOUBT AND DENIAL OR DIFFERENCES STAGE
When we begin to recognize our differences from our partners, we enter the second stage of a relationship, which is characterized by doubt and denial. The pounding of reality hits us as we emerge from the spell of infatuation and we realize that the very things that made this person great are now irritating. (His dependability now looks inflexible, her kindness seems reckless, and their sense of adventure seems like a needless danger.)
Unfortunately, conflicts arise when people with different perspectives and values come into contact with one another. We see a remarkable shift in our spouse when power battles heat up. Anger and annoyance mingle with feelings of affection. Maybe neither of us is “perfect” for the other.
At these stages of relationship, it’s easy to feel like hiding away, picking a fight instead of talking things out, or just plain icking out. You’re doing well, but things will get more challenging if you can get over the shock of discovering those differences and learn to negotiate the resulting dispute without entirely derailing the relationship.
Our bodies’ stress reactions increase along with our level of disappointment. Our desire to fight or flee might vary widely, depending on our character and the situation.
For instance, you may have a need to protect your ideals via conflict, which may manifest as a craving for independence and autonomy. There’s no logic in wanting someone else to be exactly like ourselves, and yet many of us secretly wonder, “Why aren’t you like me?”
Conflict resolution expertise is crucial at the moment. Master the art of talking things out and tackling your issues head-on without resorting to name-calling.
Keep in mind that fights and power struggles are common in every relationship and shouldn’t be seen as a harbinger of impending doom.
You’ll need to learn how to tell the difference between a reasonable argument and an unhealthy drive to exert dominance over your partner.
Learning each other’s love languages at these stages of relationship is beneficial during the second phase of a relationship since it coincides with the period when you begin to see your differences. There are five different ways that people show affection to one another, and it’s crucial to learn your partner’s preferred method.
DISILLUSIONMENT OR STRUGGLE STAGE
The disillusionment phase is the third and last phase of a relationship. For some couples, this wintertime of love may feel like the end of the road. The power battles in the relationship, along with the underlying problems the couple has been ignoring, have now been brought to light.
Some people develop a state of constant vigilance, waiting for the least provocation to leap into action. Some couples may drift apart insidiously over time, caring less for one another and devoting more time and resources elsewhere.
When a couple reaches the two- or three-year milestone after the Differences Stage, they have entered what is aptly named the Struggle Stage. When tensions are high, underlying problems and incompatibilities become much more apparent than they were previously when they were at a more surface level.
Feelings of resentment toward one another are common at this period or stages of relationship. If you feel that your independence is being threatened in any manner, you may find yourself spending more time away from the relationship than in it. This is a very normal breaking point for many couples, and it’s understandable why you would want some space from the relationship in order to get to know yourself again.
If you and your spouse can agree that your problems aren’t fatal and you want to go past this phase, you’ll need to make a serious effort to speak your partner’s love language, resolve conflicts in a constructive way, and show each other affection on a regular basis.
Many of us have long since forgotten the intensity of our first love. The “I” is back, and it’s a lot more secure than the “we” we were enjoying so much before. While some partners may reaffirm their vows, others may take this as a sign that things have to change in their relationship.
Make some room by clearing the air. Put an end to sweeping problems under the rug and avoiding difficult conversations; as wearisome as endless debates may be, ignoring them just makes for a more uneven floor.
It’s possible that there’s a lot of tension at these stages of relationship. Learn to express love even when you’re frustrated to counteract this. Is it possible to go out for dinner and a movie with someone even if you both know there’s something wrong and you both feel upset about it?
During the Merge, your brain will selectively focus on the good and ignore anything that may detract from it. The brain becomes hyper-focused on the flaws in the relationship throughout the disillusionment phase.
We pay little attention to the things that are working properly and give our full focus on those that are not. You may counteract it by making it a point to express thanks often.
Recommended Reading
15 Ways To Deal With Cultural Differences in A Relationship
Elevate Your Fashion Game: Develop a Signature Look
Top 10 Ingredients to Avoid for Sensitive Skin
20 Guidelines For A Happy Marriage
DECISION STAGE
You’ve reached a crossroads in your relationship; thus, this fourth phase is known as the Decision phase. Self-protective actions, such as emotional breakdowns or leaving the house for hours after an argument, are typical. Disinterest and aloofness are also negative traits.
If you’re here, it’s because you’ve given serious thought to ending the relationship and are actively making preparations to do so. You may be in the mood for a fresh start with a new partner.
We either decide to leave at this point, remain and do nothing regardless of how unhappy we are, or stay and actively strive to repair the relationship.
If you decide to keep going after the first year or two of hardship, you’ll enter the Repair Stage, which lasts anywhere from three to five years. Alternatively, the Walk Stage, if that doesn’t work. You’ve moved past the arguing and fighting, but are you willing to put in the effort to keep the relationship alive?
It’s normal to feel depleted after the Struggle Stage; it’s not irreparable, but it might make the job you need to accomplish now seem more challenging. If you’re worried that you won’t be able to commit, rest assured that the rewards will be worth it.
Acknowledging your part in the relationship’s decline and making an effort to improve it are both necessary steps. By coming to this conclusion, we will be able to progress as people and deepen our relationship with one another.
Even if a couple decides to end their relationship, it is possible for them to do so amicably by wishing each other well and taking responsibility for their part in the breakup.
WHOLEHEARTED LOVE
When you’ve reached the fifth stages of relationship, we’re experiencing Wholehearted Love. It is the height of summer in a relationship, when all the pair has worked for is now ready to be enjoyed. Couples learn to accept each other’s flaws and grow as individuals while also accepting that there is no such thing as a “perfect match.”
It usually begins after the fifth year and signifies a significant improvement during the Repair Stage.
If you’ve made it this far, it’s because you intentionally picked each other, developed as a couple, and found effective ways to communicate. With any luck, you’ve gained a solid idea of who you are as a person and as a potential romantic partner.
It might even make you feel like you’re in the honeymoon phase again, and falling in love all over again. It’s possible that, as you and your spouse mature and evolve throughout the years, you’ll find yourself going through this cycle again; if so, you’ll be well-prepared to do so, having already established a solid foundation of love and commitment.
In the fifth stage of a relationship, both partners learn to listen attentively and lean into challenging talks without feeling frightened or assaulting one another.
At this point, couples may also resume playing together. With one other, they can let go, have fun, and appreciate life. In the process of rediscovering one another, they can fall in love with one another all over again, and even have a taste of the amazing passion, delights, and sex of the Merge.
Get some food in you. Two wholehearted individuals may propel a relationship to the stage of Wholehearted Love by fostering an environment rich in humor, flexibility, resilience, healthy boundaries, self-care, and a shared sense of meaning and purpose.
Maintaining one’s own sense of completeness is crucial for couples during the Stages of Relationship, thus making time for self-care and personal development should be ongoing objectives.
Despite the fact that you may not feel ready for the next task just yet, keep in mind that you can always learn and adapt to these stages of relationship.