Have you ever thought, “How do you make someone fall in love?” For ages, humanity has struggled to solve this age-old problem. Love is a deep and fascinating feeling that binds two people together, sometimes called a mystical power. While there is no failsafe way to make someone fall in love with you, several tactics and habits may boost your chances of building a deep and lasting relationship with someone else.
Understanding Love
Love is such a strong emotion, from the psychological or evolutionary perspective one could say it is a mistake. A force designed to trap us into marriage so we can procreate and provide a stable environment for our young. Whether love is a mistake or not, there is a slight problem with this line of thinking. If love, in the strict sense, was an emotion developed to ensure our survival, it would not be so commonly associated with feelings of longing and desire.
Definition of Love
The task of defining love is both complex and controversial. In an attempt to narrow down the different possible ways in which love is used, we will focus upon the way in which the term is used in the context of human relationships. Love is an important and complex topic of study in modern psychology. As McClelland (1986) asserts, “How do people fall in love? Why do they fall in love? Why does love fade away? Why do they stay together or separate? What makes people happy in love? These questions are real and important to the happiness of human beings, but science cannot answer them.” To say that science cannot answer these problems is to say that it cannot answer them as of yet. In recent years, behavioral and social psychologists have begun to look at the factor of love in relation to human motivation and personality. This modern approach to love has gathered the most data and has the most pragmatic results concerning changes in behavior in relation to love. It is from this data that the majority of research and evidence drawn upon in this book will be taken. This is due to the fact that the triangular theory of love and the theory of love as a story were developed in order to explain the data gathered from empirical research upon love.
Factors That Influence Love
We all experience the first flush of a new love before it settles into something more stable; the kind of lustful romance where we can’t keep our hands off each other. Research has suggested this chemically induced state is a result of the phenylethylamine contained in chocolate – this is certainly good news for the cocoa industry! Psychological studies, however, propose that this overwhelming feeling of infatuation is due to ‘love maps’ located in the caudate nucleus and ventral tegmental areas of the brain. These love maps are a result of memories from previous experiences of love, relationships, and sex. When we experience a new relationship, the love map is stimulated by the person you are with and triggers the recollection of these past experiences. Any similarities you find between your previous experience and the person you are now with cause the same neural pathways to be stimulated and thus give you the familiar feeling you have encountered before. This theory explains why people often go for the same types of partners.
If love is truly discussed as possessing a wild and whirly magic, how did it come under the identity of logical, predictable science? Despite our attempts at understanding, the dynamics of love in relationship with laboratory have yet to define why certain people form a certain chemical reaction.
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The Science of Love
There are studies which have discovered that falling in love is a natural occurrence and there are natural love chemicals that drive this process. Falling in love is driven by the natural love chemicals phenylethylamine (PEA), dopamine, noradrenaline, and serotonin. PEA is a feel-good chemical that gets produced when a person falls in love and it gives them the sense of being on top of the world. Without this chemical, a person will not be able to stay in love as they will experience a form of depression. Dopamine is produced while in love and works in the brain to cause the person to feel happy, hence another ‘feel-good factor’. Noradrenaline, however, regulates the production of PEA and causes stress and a loss of appetite, whether it will be a long wait for love or the heartache of losing a loved one. Serotonin production is decreased when in love and it directly affects a person’s mood. A low level of this chemical can cause obsessive behavior and feelings of happiness mixed with sadness. Any imbalance of these love chemicals can cause a person to fall in love with the wrong person or at the wrong time and they can also be the reason for mental illnesses sparked from love. The use of drugs to cure these mental illnesses caused by love imbalances can drastically affect a person’s recovery. This is because these drugs will have a direct affect on the love chemicals, changing a person’s capacity to feel love and happiness.
Building Emotional Connection
Emotional understanding and connection is often the most difficult aspect of the relationship to identify problems and fix them. Most likely there will be arguments that start with the question “Do you really understand how I feel?” If both people can continue to try and do the things listed, it will eliminate a large number of arguments and will weather any emotional storms that come their way. This, in turn, will create a stronger emotional bond.
A big part in understanding others’ emotions, especially in hard times, is realizing when they need emotional support. Almost everybody will go through a hard situation that is emotionally stressful to them. It may be a death in the family, being fired from a job, an argument with a friend or spouse, or any kind of failure and feelings of inadequacy. A supportive partner will be very attentive to these situations and offer lots of consolation, often holding the other in arms or hands to show their support. This is a big easy display of empathy and understanding. Note that when by yourself, you may not be fully expressing your feelings to your partner. This is a good time to use the open-ended question because it could be hard to detect if a person is putting up an emotional defense and doesn’t really want to talk about it. This should be very direct support and only advice if the person seeks it for themselves.
There are no two people that ever have the exact same experiences in life. It is the sharing of these experiences with each other that can bring them closer together and understanding one another. This is the case with shared experiences and memories. When a person can recall the better and worse times with another person, it is really a test of their emotional understanding of what the other was going through. It can also be a buffer in hard times or a reminder of how great things were at some time. High emotion events can make a large impact, but it is necessary for couples to sometimes relive those times to make sure they understand how significant it was to each other.
At the base of active listening is listening without thinking about what your response will be while the person is talking. This can be extremely hard because everyone is thinking of a response while someone is telling them something. In the end though, it is obvious to the speaker that you aren’t listening or understanding their feelings about a matter. Practice not even nodding your head while the person is talking and only answering or giving advice after everything has come out in the open. Become aware of your own mental and emotional filters that color what you hear. This is important because often our own biases will affect what we hear and the person is actually telling us. It can be hard to know what a person’s filters are and what they are thinking on a completely deep level, but by understanding and trying to figure it out will show that you are making an effort. Summarize what you’ve heard in the context or in your own words to show that you understand what the person is telling you. At any time where you aren’t sure about something, ask an open-ended question for more information. This is the heart of active listening and it can be difficult but very rewarding.
A long-term relationship can be very difficult if you find that neither person is listening or understanding where the other person is coming from. Oftentimes in marriages, people find that their partner is more of a roommate than someone they want to build a life with, and this is usually because they feel that they aren’t being understood or listened to. In order to combat this, it is important to learn how to listen and be empathic.
Active Listening and Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is a complex and multi-faceted concept, often confused with sympathy – where empathy is feeling with someone, sympathy is feeling for someone. Much of the work into the areas of empathy has come from counseling and psychotherapy research, and some of the best information on empathic listening comes from this field. Empathy can be assessed on how the speaker perceives the empathic response, the actual level of understanding, and the ability of the listener to communicate this understanding. In terms of a romantic relationship, when a person feels understood by their partner they often feel more connected and closer to their partner. This understanding strengthens the togetherness of the couple and also serves as the building blocks for emotional support in times of stress.
In its most simple form, active listening involves truly hearing what your partner is saying and responding responsibly. This involves repeating back what your partner has said (although not necessarily word for word) to avoid misunderstandings, as well as asking questions to further your understanding. Tips for active listening are to sustain eye contact but to keep a relaxed body posture; leaning forward or using encouraging gestures can convey your interest but may also be seen as aggressive. Carl Rogers also showed that paraphrasing the speaker’s words (known as reflection of content) is an effective form of active listening, along with reflection of feelings where you recognize and respond to the emotion attached to what your partner is telling you.
Shared Experiences and Memories
Concept. Studies have shown that people are more likely to be attracted to those who have similar attitudes and values. By creating an experience that provokes specific emotions, you can tie those emotions to your attitude and the attitude of the person you are interested in. For example, doing something active like going for a hike or seeing an upbeat movie can create feelings of excitement and energy. These feelings can be tied to your company and your attitude. Thus, the next time the person thinks about you, he/she will experience those same feelings. This will create an emotional connection for he/she will feel happier and more energetic whenever he/she thinks about you. It is important to have positive experiences for the emotions tied to them will transfer to your relationship.
Introduction. People often have a very strong emotional reaction when reminiscing about experiences from the past. Whether the experience was good or bad, remembering it will provoke specific emotions that can create a long-lasting memory. By creating a shared experience with the person you are trying to get to fall in love with you, you will create an emotional connection (good or bad) that will tie you to that person. After the shared experience, it is important to reflect on it and share your emotions to create understanding.
Emotional Support and Understanding
This isn’t to say you should go out of your way to try and make someone feel sad, but showing empathy, understanding, and support when they are upset will give them the strength to fall in love with you and the relationship that has been built.
In terms of sympathy specifically, you must have a good understanding of the other person and know what may potentially make them upset. One example of this could be if someone has a fear of the destruction of something they own, and they find out that it was destroyed through no fault of their own. You, knowing how this person may feel, share their sadness and, having seen the thing that was destroyed, could say, “I’m sorry, I know how much that meant to you.” This can be taken a step further by trying to help them rectify their sadness, though this scenario would be too specific to go into detail.
It has been said that “love is a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness”. By showing that you care and want the best for their well-being, it allows those who you give your support to feel that love is present. This, in the end, takes the relationship to a deeper level.
In terms of creating an emotional connection and giving someone support and understanding, you must be able to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their point of view. This means being sympathetic to their issue or situation, even if it’s something you can’t personally relate to. Being able to communicate understanding shows that you care about their feelings, and that you’ll be there for them not only in good times, but in times of distress as well.
Creating Physical Attraction
Eye contact is also a very important aspect of body language. It can convey many different things such as confidence, self-assurance, sincerity, positivity, and interest. These are all things you would like to be able to present to a potential partner. However, maintaining good eye contact can be surprisingly difficult for a lot of people, especially when speaking to somebody of the opposite sex who they’re attracted to. If you have trouble with this, practice on everybody you meet. It really doesn’t matter if it’s a man or woman, young or old. Just look them in the eye and smile. They’ll most likely respond by doing the same, and you might just make somebody’s day by doing this! As you become more comfortable with it, eye contact will become second nature when communicating with others. Note that good eye contact doesn’t mean a death stare! It’s perfectly natural to occasionally look away and re-establish eye contact, especially if it’s just been made with somebody you’ve just met. An open, friendly smile can replace eye contact as a way to maintain a positive form of communication. It helps to put others at ease and suggests that you’re approachable.
The next thing to work on is a positive body language. You always want to appear confident, especially as this is a very desirable trait for most people. You can improve your confidence by working on your self-esteem. Improving your self-esteem is a valuable self-development goal in itself, but it can also make a big difference to how others perceive you. When you have doubts about yourself, other people pick up on it and it can be off-putting. When you feel good about yourself, you naturally want to be proud of who you are. You’re more comfortable with being yourself, and you’re more likely to show it. It may take some time and effort to change old habits, but be persistent and the benefits will be far-reaching in many aspects of your life. People’s body language can reveal a lot about them. High self-assurance is characterized by an open body posture, a steady manner of speech, and a strong gaze. It’s important to be mindful of maintaining a good body posture so as not to appear nervous or tense. Imagine a piece of string is attached to the top of your head and is gently pulling you upwards. This will help to straighten the spine and align it with the neck. Try to keep the shoulder muscles relaxed and pulled back. This might feel unnatural if you’re not used to it, but with practice, it will become second nature. If something is bothering or worrying you, try to deal with it proactively. It’s easier to clear the mind and adopt a positive relaxed state when there is no mental baggage. Exercise is also vital for reducing stress and maintaining a positive mindset. People with high self-esteem are generally more satisfied with their lives and have a positive outlook on the future. They see themselves as deserving of good things and are not afraid to take on the challenges required to get them. In other words, they have a high perceived self-worth. All of these qualities are very attractive.
Personal grooming and hygiene are the foundations of any physical attraction. You simply must smell nice; no amount of expensive clothes or any other effort will make up for giving off an unpleasant odor. Even if you’re not there yet scent-wise, simply attempting to do something about it can be attractive. For example, if you wear aftershave or cologne, you don’t have to spend a lot, but make sure it smells nice. I’ve been complimented by several girls for smelling nice after using deodorant spray. Just because they’re cheap and readily available doesn’t mean they don’t do the trick. You just have to find what works for you. I find that in general, soap or shower gel that’s tea tree or eucalyptus scented can leave you feeling very clean. Also, grooming yourself in order to have neat, presentable hair can make a big difference to your overall look. Some women like facial hair, whilst others don’t, but I think it’s fairly safe to say that nobody likes food caught in it! If you keep it, make sure you keep it clean.
Personal Grooming and Hygiene
Grooming: – A person should start his grooming regimen by establishing a routine for regular haircuts, shaves, and/or trims. If a person is dealing with facial hair, it is important to keep the hair neat and well-groomed. This may involve regular shaves or the maintenance of a well-groomed beard. An unkempt beard or mustache will detract from a person’s overall appearance.
Personal grooming and hygiene are important in creating a good first impression. In any social situation, a person’s physical appearance affects the way others perceive him. A person who is diligent about his personal grooming will be viewed as more professional, confident, and competent. Poor personal grooming habits will detract from a person’s overall appearance; perhaps the most unfortunate aspect of a lack of attention to personal grooming is that it very often leads to a loss of self-confidence. This is particularly true in romantic pursuits. If a person feels that he is unattractive to others, this will greatly affect his ability to establish relationships. It is also important to remember that good personal grooming and hygiene are desirable for themselves, in that they help a person feel better about himself and make a positive overall statement about who he is.
Body Language and Nonverbal Cues
One can also learn to interpret the cues of others, this will provide useful feedback to the effectiveness of the attempts to create attraction. If an alteration in emotional state is cause for an increase in attraction, this is a cue to move onto the next stage in the process. A male attempting to alter the emotional state of a female will need practice to distinguish whether he is causing increased interest or simply being tolerated. As senses of perception are honed, a man can continue to escalate attraction through non-verbal cues until a clear green light for a sexual advance is given.
There is an opportunity to reinforce these studies to assist in making someone fall in love. As non-verbal communication serves as a mirror to our emotions, we can attempt to alter emotional states through conscious changes in body language. For example, maintaining stronger eye contact and changing body posture to a more open and inviting.
Albert Scheflen found that in human communications up to 60% of the meaning transmitted is nonverbal. This includes facial expressions, gestures, body posture, and the tone of voice. One important study is mentioned: discussing intimate details at a high level of mutual interest, eye contact, mutual eye gazing or a key dialogue path, mutual mirroring of facial and body postures, linking, that is nonverbal attempts to hold hands, or close body proximity. Miscommunication can lead to attraction or repulsion. Soulful gazing, linking and erotic licking. Ambiguously French kissing, unambiguously French kissing and increased love and task talk. This study indicates a variety of non-verbal cues and their effect on intimacy and attraction. Another study describes similar results, it found women increase their use of personal space with intimate partners. For one, there was an increase in touching and with sex, the women allowed closer contact and penetration.
Dressing and Style
And last but not least, don’t forget to take care of your attire! Dirty shoes, wrinkles, stains, and tears will diminish the value of any clothing. Always keep your clothes clean and well-maintained. Taking care of one’s dress and style is always time well spent.
A good matching of colors is also key. Wearing a well color-coordinated outfit can definitely make you stand out in the crowd. Always have a few good combinations in mind. Remember that wearing brighter colors will attract more attention, while darker colors can give a more mysterious look. This sort of rule can also apply to facial hair, hairstyle, and accessories. Always experiment and see what works best for you, and don’t be scared to try something new.
First is to dress appropriately for the occasion. If it’s a formal event, wear a suit, for example. Nothing screams clueless more than severe underdressing or overdressing. Next is to wear clean and well-kept clothing. Clothes too big or too small can make a difference as well, be sure to wear clothes that actually fit. It’s always important to dress for your body type. Clothes that fit and show off your attributes can definitely be an attention grabber. If you have a good physique, don’t be afraid to show it off a little, but never go overboard. Too much of anything can be a put-off, so try to find a balance in that area.
A girl will take notice if you dress yourself with a sense of authority, a sense of fun, or a laid-back relaxed style. What she wears can also give you hints to her personality, so keep an eye open also. Never take dressing and style for granted. Many men think that just throwing on a clean shirt and a pair of pants is enough. There are many factors that can determine a person’s attractiveness by what they wear.
Your clothing and style are the most basic way of creating a physical attraction with someone. You don’t need to have model good looks or a fat wallet; just a sense of style and cleanliness can truly make you stand out. Clothing often distinguishes who you are and what you represent, so it’s important to always keep that in mind.
Nurturing a Healthy Relationship
Trust and respect are amongst the vital ingredients to a healthy relationship. These two intertwined concepts are essential to building a secure and safe bond between you and your partner. Trusting your partner is relatively self-explanatory; it is essential to have faith in your partner and be able to trust that they are behaving in a way that is in your best interest, even when they are not under surveillance. A secure sense of trust can help reduce suspicion, jealousy, and possessiveness within the relationship. Showing respect to your partner is being aware of their feelings and caring about their well-being. It’s important to respect your partner’s autonomy, identity, and right to make decisions, remembering not to pressure them into doing things that they do not want to do. A respectful relationship is less likely to be abusive or have to deal with power and control issues.
Once you’ve made it past the beginning stages and have established a solid relationship, it’s vital to continue maintaining the bond you two have formed. It’s essential to develop and nurture a healthy relationship to avoid one of you getting bored and the relationship eventually failing. There are many things that can be done to keep a relationship strong. Building a secure and safe attachment with your partner enables you to truly be yourself, and is the real key to a successful relationship. This involves trusting and respecting one another, being able to spend quality time together, and also having the ability to communicate about the things that matter most to you.
Communication and Openness
Another important part of communication is the ability to fight productively. As every relationship has its ups and downs, it is important to understand and respect your partner’s point of view, even in times of heated debate. Remember to clarify the issue at hand and don’t stray from it and resort to personal attacks. By showing a willingness to understand and resolve the issue, the experience can actually bring you closer together rather than driving a wedge between the two of you. And lastly, never go to bed angry. With the high pace of today’s world, issues can often feel like they are being put off, but it is important to fully resolve an issue before moving on or it will cause lasting damage to your level of closeness and intimacy.
There are many things that can nurture a relationship, but one of the most basic elements is effective communication. It is essential to learn and understand the needs and feelings of your partner. Open dialogue is helpful in understanding how to best support one another, and by listening to what your partner is expressing and attempting to understand it, you have an opportunity to provide a level of comfort and safety that is important in a relationship. It’s also good to remember that it’s not always what you say, but how you say it. When feelings run deep, the issues at hand may be treated delicately, and it’s important not to add to the stress by reacting negatively to what your partner is saying. Keep a level head and think before you respond to avoid saying something that you may not mean and may hurt your partner.
Trust and Respect
Respect is a positive feeling of esteem or deference for a person and specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem. It is also an attitude of admiration or esteem. We are naturally inclined to have more respect for those we have trust in and whose actions have proved to be consistent with trust. Respect can be shown in many ways, often involving a certain amount of formality. Listening to somebody when they talk and not interrupting or finishing their sentences is a sign of respect. Also, calling somebody up as opposed to just dropping around to visit is giving them an opportunity to prepare themselves and thus showing respect for their time and routine. The surest way to build respect is through the giving of love, acceptance, and understanding. However, it is indeed important to show respect in order to receive these things from somebody who may have little trust and respect for others.
Esteem is the value we place on ourselves, and our feelings of acceptance and approval of who we are. It is of great importance to our own well-being and health, and is also the general attitude that one is an important person of value to the world and deserving of many good things. Unfortunately, our esteem can be damaged very easily by others and the relationships we have with them. We have a tendency to place great store by the judgments of the people we value. Their approval can often make our day, while their disapproval can completely shatter our confidence. The main source of damage to esteem comes from inappropriate or non-constructive criticism. It can often be easy to imply that somebody’s actions are a definitive indication of their competency or worth as a person. It is important that when we criticize, we separate the person’s actions from the person, and address the action as a specific behavior. For example, a mistake, something that can be done correctly next time. Thus, in being more careful with the feelings of others, we can create a relationship that is a positive influence on our own and their esteem.
Trust is an essential component of a thriving, lasting, and rewarding relationship. Rather than its presence, it is about the quality of trust and the effect it has on the relationship that matters. It should be something that is ever present in the back of your mind, a feeling of certainty about the dependability of a person, and its upholding can require effort. Trust involves believing in someone that they can be counted on to do something. Often, in a relationship, one person, regardless of gender, may feel the general stereotype that, for example, men cannot be relied on to remember important dates, remember to do household chores, or refrain from flirting with other women. By telling your partner that you are confident that they will do the right thing and that you don’t worry about it is a first step to persuading them to do so. People’s own trustworthiness is often influenced by the expectations of others. They are likely to conform to the beliefs held about them. So if you believe your partner is a certain way, positive or negative, you will tend to treat them as if they are already what you think, causing them to react in a manner consistent with your beliefs. Therefore, trusting in the positive aspects of a person is a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, expectations can be unrealistic in which case they will go unfulfilled and cause disappointment. This can become dangerous if too much trust is put into the hope of something changing, sometimes people are not what you wish they were and it is better to trust in the reality of somebody than set yourself up for disappointment.
Quality Time and Intimacy
Humor, joy, and the sharing of positive experiences play a very unique role in the dynamics of an intimate relationship. It is believed that if you do something together that creates a good feeling, the good feeling between you will increase. The fulfillment of positive thoughts and feelings with one another will give a couple a greater sense of unity and bond them closer together. Positive feelings are important as they are strong indicators of love between friends and intimate partners. These shared experiences can be used as a campaign against the negative aspects of the relationship, and at times of distress, thinking of how one laughed and felt warm and loved will encourage the couple to handle the situation and not get bogged down.
You cannot develop an intimate relationship when you give the person little attention. Romuald Hazoume says, “It’s not always the person you love the most; it’s the one who can make you feel the most special that everyone longs for.” Quality time with your loved one is crucial as it is the time when you can both express your love for one another. Expressions of love make the other person feel special and appreciated. This can be anything from saying “I love you” to more significant acts of love. The important thing to remember is to free yourself of all distractions when spending quality time with your loved one. Hanging out with friends or talking on the phone while you are on a date is not spending quality time with your loved one.
Compromise and Conflict Resolution
Compromise and conflict resolution are important components of a healthy relationship. Having a happy relationship is about thanking and forgiving each other. No one is perfect; everyone usually makes mistakes, even the most awful ones. That’s human nature – we all make mistakes. When we make mistakes, we usually regret them and ask for forgiveness. We hope to receive understanding from our partner, that they still love us as they used to. So, let’s not make someone lose face and always be willing to admit our mistakes to our partner. This is what makes someone hate us the most. And let’s not let the night come while we are still angry. Try to solve the problem before you fall asleep. Because if you let the night come when you are still angry, it will create distance between you and your partner. And let’s be wise in judging every problem that arises.